Juvenihil

Posts Tagged ‘drinking

Being a teen sucks, #9

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#9: Alcohol, or lack thereof (sometimes).

I like drinking. I like the taste of vodka and gin, the warmth that cognac brings. And though I’m under 21, I usually have no difficulty procuring alcohol, whether by having older people buy for me, using a fake id, buying from a place that simply doesn’t care, or stealing from parents. However, on several occasions I have found myself dry and without means, perhaps in the wrong neighborhood (Parkside) with the wrong people and not a lot of cash. And sometimes drinking really is about getting drunk; when you need to be drunk, you need to be drunk.

I don’t like drinking cheap beer, even in a pinch, because cheap beer tastes like ass. Enter my tried-and-true last resort: artificial extracts. You can buy them at Safeway for under $5– I get the McCormick/Schilling kind; it’s better than the Safeway brand– and the lovely FDA requires extracts to be a minimum of 35% alcohol. Some are twice as potent. With flavors you can go in a couple of directions: 1) buy a small bottle of orange extract and mix with orange juice… it’s almost like a screwdriver, if you swallow quickly; 2) buy vanilla extract and mix with warm milk for a more night-cappy taste. Remember, never drink extracts as shots (you’ll probably get sick, not that I’m imbecilic enough to have tried it) and don’t drink as much as six ounces of extract without taking a break.

We are going to need lots of cognac. The best. Hennessy.

They taste fine, but there’s no question that drinking extracts is dorky and pathetic, best reserved for the most dire of times. I await the day in 2012 I no longer have to rely on other parties and/or sheer luck to get my White Russians.

Written by jane

March 22, 2009 at 8:11 PM

Posted in teens

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